Hurt.

Last night did not go as planned.

A simple talk about upcoming family gatherings

turned into

hurt feelings

a bad nights sleep

a weird awkwardness

Family has always been SO important to me. When I was younger, we celebrated every birthday as if it was some big milestone. Holidays were these huge get togethers with lots of food and family. Every summer my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins would go camping for seven-ten days at a time. My parents and my aunt and uncle raised my cousins and I like brothers and sisters. I could call on any one of them, at anytime and they would do everything they could to help whatever was going on. One of my best friends is my cousin Sam. One of my grandmas, an aunt and cousins lived at the beach. The ultimate tourist destination. I can't tell you how many times we would go to visit during the summer.

As a little girl, and even in to my teens and now young adulthood, I have always imagined the same thing for my family. I wanted family dinners on Sunday afternoon. Cookouts on Saturday nights. Week long vacations. And crazy holidays. I wanted my future children to feel like I did growing up. I wanted my husband to come with me on every occasion, as I would go with him on every occasion to his.

Last night, I learned differently.

August is a big month of birthdays for my family. My aunt is the 7th, my grandma was the 14th, my mom is the 23rd and we'll sneak my dad's September 6th in there too. If you noticed my parents birthdays are exactly two weeks apart.

In the next few weekends, my family has planned a beach day/cookout for my grandma's birthday, followed by a visit to the cemetary where she is buried. Not to mention birthday dinners for my mom and dad. The month of August and first part of September is pretty much filled to the top with family gatherings.

As Justin and I were discussing them last night, it became apparent that he would go to all of the above mentioned, but that he wasn't exactly thrilled. I don't want to make him sound like some asshole who doesn't give a crap about my family, because they all get along great. However, I have never once told him no on some family outing of his.

Yes, most of the ones I am talking about are dinners with his grandparents who live a measly 30 minutes away, but dinners usually turn into 3, 4 and 5 hour long visits, followed by something else we get roped into while we are there, usually for early the next day. I have been to visit his family in West Virgina - 3 times. His family lives 7 hours away. That is a long way to have visited them 3 times in the year we have been together, but I have done it, and with a big smile on my face.

This post is not announcing Justin and I's split. This isn't a relationship breaker for me. However, last night I was very hurt. I felt like some bad person trying to take away his weekends. His job is very stressful, I get that, but tomorrow isn't promised and I'd hate to miss out on something and not have a chance to make up for it, just because I'm too tired.

I guess what I'm saying is, that sometimes, you have to put on your big boy undies & big girl panties and get over it. You aren't going to be able to relax all weekend, every weekend. What is going to happen when we have kids? Kids who want to play sports and go on vacations and do stuff on the weekend, instead of just sitting at home?

I understand he doesn't have to attend everything and that isn't what I'm asking. What I'm asking as that he attends 75% of it, and doesn't gripe and complain about it. 

I guess after typing this, I'm still a little upset. We woke up this morning and everything was ok and it is, however last night was the first time that we didn't kiss each other goodnight, the first time we didn't say I love you, the first time we didn't cuddle before bed, and the first time that we went pretty much all night without touching.  

Days like these are when I am the happiest I have this blog. I can get out exactly how I'm feeling, with only the chance of bloggers I've never met and the one person who NEVER judges me reading it. I don't have to talk to anyone about it, I can just get it out.

Hopefully things will continue to get better. I will learn to compromise a little more and he will learn to give in a little more, and happily.